I tried

Update: the one-month marathon read of the Book of Mormon is going great. Check out the blog for progress reports. It's actually not as hard as I thought it would be...unless I MISS a day... then catching up is tough.
But the story I want to tell about the B.O.M. (not Brianna - though I hope everyone realizes by now that those are her initials) happened last Friday.
I'm really a horrible missionary. I get nervous to talk about the gospel unless someone specifically asks me. I get even more nervous to actually invite or offer something. I think maybe it's the fear of being rejected, or of damaging a friendship... or just having an awkward moment. I disdain awkwardness in all forms. Like this morning's kickboxing class at the gym, where we had a sub who obviously hadn't done kickboxing in a long time. She yelled stuff like "now let's kick our legs!" "pretend like you're punching something!" "I feel like we're dancing - this is kickdancing class!" So awkward. It was painful watching her.
So yeah - religion can be awkward, so I generally justify my lack of member-missionary efforts by telling myself that I'm setting a good example. Letting my light shine. Hmph. Lame, I know.
But Friday I had to make the nagging feelings go away. They were entirely thought-consuming, and making me feel constantly antsy.
So I went to Gale's (the LDS Bookstore here), and paid $4 for a nicer hardcover BOM copy. I wrote a note with it, sharing my testimony, highlighted a few verses, and headed over to my friend's house. I wondered if Brianna's fusing in the backseat was a bad sign.
I arrived with my delivery speech all ready: "So [friend's name], ya know how we were having that conversation last week about my church, and you said you didn't know very much and were curious about it... and you also said you were looking for a good non-fiction book to read (instead of trashy romance novels)... well I've brought you the best non-fiction book in the world." A little cheesy, I know, but that was my intro. And I was determined to get it out in a normal speed and tone of voice.
Plans changed when she opened the door in tears. She was on the phone, and motioned me in. Her little baby was sitting on the floor playing, in fairly messy chaotic surroundings. Brianna was waiting for me in the car, so I hesitated in the doorway.
She got off the phone and said, "sorry, sorry - it's just - well you know how you can just get SO FRUSTRATED, you start crying, then you can't stop, and you're SO MAD..." she proceeded to explain that they had been turned down by yet another lender, and they were supposed to close on their new home the following week - which happened to be when their lease was up on their current home. She had to get with a new lender within the next hour, and had a group coming over to her house that night. Also, her baby was hungry and needed some care. So I (wide-eyed and somewhat speechless) told her to take off and go do what she needed to for her loan. She just looked at me and said thankyou. I brought Brianna in and we all played and cleaned up for the next couple hours. The guests arrived, and I stayed and hung out. We played Guesstures.
Brian came for Brianna and traded cars with me.
I kept waiting for a moment to take my friend aside and give her the book. Never happened. Then she had a few drinks, and I figured I better wait so she'd actually remember the next day. But I ended up leaving the book on her table with the note, and an invite to church (since Brian and I were the speakers, and the topic was families). I sent her a facebook message telling her I left it, and I hoped to see her on Sunday.
I was feeling such a relief that it was over - and I clung to a small hope that she would accept it whole-heartedly.
Response?
Nada.
So bummed. Why can't I be like Ammon... he did the service route before sharing the gospel, and ended up with thousands of converts. I suck.
But at least the nagging has gone away, and maybe I'll be braver the next time around.