Whining

Excuse me for a moment while I forget all that I should be (and am) grateful for and vent about the crap that is stressing me out:
-SLEEP: I haven't had more than 20 consecutive minutes of it for 2 nights now. Don't gimme any snotty line like "well you're just getting ready for nights with two infants!" I remember actually enjoying my nighttime nursings with Brianna. But there was nothing enjoyable about coughing spasms every 15 minutes until the sun came up. Then last night I let Brianna join us in bed because she wasn't feeling well - which always equals sleep deprivation for me because of her wiggleyness. Spell Checker says wiggleyness isn't a word. Well what else do I call her incessant position changing, Mr. omniscient Spell Checker?! I'm having anxiety just thinking about trying to get sleep tonight... I dread staring at the clock as the numbers change... 9:30, 10:05, 11:12, midnight... I know I should just turn the clock around. But then I'd probably grab my cell phone and check the time anyway. My attempts at naps the past few days were futile. Just more coughing and trying to force myself into dreamland.
-HEALTH: So I mentioned the coughing. It started Tuesday, on my way home from the gym. My chest felt tight and I was light headed and I had a serious dizzy spell while driving home. I should've pulled over - it was bad. Like an inner ear equilibrium problem. Progressively worsened the next couple days. I'm not the Western medicine pill-popping type. I'm also not the Eastern medicine holistic home remedy type. I really believe the adage, "treat a cold and it will last 7 days; leave it alone and it will last a week." But that belief is more money-motivated than anything... I don't wanna fork out office co-pays and Rx costs nor the outrageous prices at the health food store for silver fish oil skin extracts blahblahblah. I don't even wanna go buy fresh organic lemons to make the hot lemon water my mom swears by. I believe in sleeping it off and thinking it off. Ever read James Allen's "As A Man Thinketh"? "The body is the servant of the mind. It obeys the operations of the mind, whether they be deliberately chosen or automatically expressed. At the bidding of unlawful thoughts the body sinks rapidly into disease and decay; at the command of glad and beautiful thoughts it becomes clothed with youthfulness and beauty. Disease and health, like circumstances, are rooted in thought. Sickly thoughts will express themselves through a sickly body. Strong, pure, and happy thoughts build up the body in vigor and grace. There is no physician like cheerful thought for dissipating the ills of the body; there is no comforter to compare with good will for dispersing the shadows of grief and sorrow." The book should be required reading for everyone.
But I spent the second night of sleeplessness thinking, forget you James Allen... I'm calling the doc first thing in the morning and getting drugs. Lots of drugs. Good thing I did - Brianna had a minor ear infection and I was given an antibiotic because violent coughing can cause miscarriage. Brian is also somewhat ill but we weren't willing to deal with more co-pays and office visit crap just to be told he has a common cold virus. He is currently treating his illness with OJ and a Bourne movie. I hate being ill. It ruins all my plans. And makes me write ridiculously long, whiny blog posts.
-EXERCISE: Haven't done it since Thursday. Even then it was a wimpy run and half-effort mommy&me class at church. I can already feel my muffin tops expanding. And - obviously - I'm in a badbad mood without my daily endorphin hit. I'm going running first thing Monday morning even if I have pneumonia.
-FINANCES: I keep whining about health care costs for a reason. The family budget is tight. Reeeeaalll tight. We paid cash for our new vehicle because my goal has always been to never take out a loan for anything but houses. But that has left us without our savings cushion. Six month savings cushion, to be exact. My wise father has always counseled us to have a 6 month reserve, in case of job loss. We've always had enough that we'd be ok if we didn't make anything for 6 months or more. Now I'm anxious for Brian's next paycheck. I like being frugal by choice, not by force. I can't voice my concerns to Brian very much because then he feels like he's not working hard enough. But he really is - Brian's consistently been scoring in the top - if not at THE top - of his area and beyond. He makes more than branches that are twice his size. This isn't his fault at all. So we'll build up the reserve again... until it's shot down with the bill after the delivery of these babies - I'm estimating $20K total. Our insurance co better be nice. So I'm trying to cut back even more than usual - which is hard. I'm already compulsively frugal. Now it's become obsessive.
-MISCELLANEOUS WHININGS: I have to miss two friend's weddings this summer because I'll be too pregnant to travel. I hate not being there for my friends, even though I have a great excuse. I've been asked last minute to sub teach for a primary class tomorrow and I'm planning on going at it half-effort and I feel lame already. My house is messy. My dishwasher is broken. My camera is broken. I ate sugar free pudding and have an aspartame headache. It's snowing again and I'm ready for Spring. I've snapped at Brian several times in the last week. I'm really worried about Brianna being neglected when I have to devote so much time to the newborns. My OB/GYN thinks I'm high-maintenance. I'm being ungrateful for my many blessings, which causes me guilt. And stress. Stress can cause problems for the fetuses. That causes me stress.



But I feel better now. Nitenite.