Every night while I'm up for the billionth time, I compose blog posts in my mind about the torturous sleep deprivation I'm going through. I think about sharing my thoughts on sleep strategies, and begging the universe for advice on what the heck to do when one baby keeps waking up every thirty minutes and I have to keep him quiet or one of his sisters will wake up too.... or some similarly tricky sleep situation that I don't have the answer for. I always vow to spend the day re-reading my Mothering Multiples book, or Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Twins.
But then daylight finally comes. We get going with our day. And miracle of all miracles... I usually feel fine. Despite not getting more than 60 minutes of consecutive shut-eye.... I'm doing ok. I usually get my workout in. I do as much housework as I can. I blog. I play with my kids. I feed everybody. We have fun. Day after day, for the past 4.5 months.... I've done everything I HAVE to do, and a few things I LIKE to do. It's such a blessing that I'm not a zombie with bags under my eyes.
Because I should be.
I get a ridiculously little amount of sleep every.single.night. In the morning, I tell Brian whether it was an AWFUL night, or an OKAY night. I've only had a GOOD night like twice, a couple months ago, when they miraculously slept 6-7 hours straight at the same time. It was a fluke. And of course I wasted most of that time worrying if they were breathing or not. Brian is amazing - he can sleep through anything. He only gets up when I ask him to. He's totally willing to do his part and doesn't complain... but he has to be really on top of his game for his 11 hour workdays. So I try to let him get as much rest as possible.
I also feel like I should do a post like this, in case I'm giving the wrong impression of what my life is really like. It's not all rosy and full of cute happy babies and funny quotes from Brianna. It's so hard sometimes I want to cry. I do cry. I do get headaches. After the really awful nights, my eyes hurt in bright lights and I get dizzy if I stand or sit too fast. Eating healthy, exercising, and keeping a positive attitude help... but nothing completely makes up for lack of sleep. I often joke "sleep is totally over-rated. Meh. Who needs it." But I'm LYYYYIIINNNGG. I like sleep. I miss it.
So what's the solution?
I also feel like I should do a post like this, in case I'm giving the wrong impression of what my life is really like. It's not all rosy and full of cute happy babies and funny quotes from Brianna. It's so hard sometimes I want to cry. I do cry. I do get headaches. After the really awful nights, my eyes hurt in bright lights and I get dizzy if I stand or sit too fast. Eating healthy, exercising, and keeping a positive attitude help... but nothing completely makes up for lack of sleep. I often joke "sleep is totally over-rated. Meh. Who needs it." But I'm LYYYYIIINNNGG. I like sleep. I miss it.
So what's the solution?
I'm not into conventional sleep training methods. It just doesn't feel right to me. Imposing adult sleep habits on tiny creatures sounds so extremely wrong. Allowing a tiny child to lay in the dark, screaming out with the only communication tool they have, being punished for their natural desire to be held close by the only source of comfort and security they know... I just can't handle that. It may work for some families, but not for mine. I have a veryvery limited amount of time and attention, and I want to spend it all just soaking up these sweet moments with my babies, not watching the clock and analyzing every move. I won't feel guilty about bringing my babies into bed with me for night feedings. I enjoy those precious moments with them so so much. I don't care if that's supposedly teaching them some "bad habits." I'd rather look back on this short period in life and smile at all the great memories, than know that I TRAINED my babies, ignoring any potential psychological consequences such trainings may involve.
But I do believe there's a time and place for everything. If it's still this bad when they're older I think I know what to do. Just like with Brianna - who was a horrible sleeper the first year, but is a great sleeper now... I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
But at this moment... lights hurt my eyes.
G'nite.
6 comments:
I could almost cry FOR you! I couldn't tolerate the cry it out method either. And you are doing just fine with how YOU choose to parent YOUR children. Your babies will eventually sleep through the night, just like you know they will. It helps me to repeat in my mind, "this is only a stage". You rock!
My mom always (still does) rag on me about how Addison has to sleep with someone. I really don't care! It makes her feel better to know that she has someone there. And one day, probably sooner than I would like, she won't want her dad or I near her at all. I say do what you want and what feels right to you!
On a side note though. If I were closer, I would LOVE to take those babies (all 3 of them) from you so you could get a long nap during the day. I know that doesn't mean much since I am 400 miles away, but just know that if I could, I would!
Love your guts!!!
Oh Chelsea. Thank you for posting these. I truly hope you don't take this as an insult... But I have always volleyed back and forth on whether or not to have children. Reading your blog makes me realize that I am truly not cut out to be a parent. I could never have your patience or strength to deal with what you deal with day in and day out.
"Every night while I'm up for the billionth time, I compose blog posts in my mind "
I call that my inner blogging voice. I used to do it all the time when I was up at night feeding babies (not at the same time, years apart in my case.)
I hope you can get some sleep soon, and I need to take your twerps so at least you can get some daytime sleep.
I completely relate to you Chelsea. I promise that you will sleep again, even if it is not until they are like a year old. That's how it was for me. Hang in there. I cried all the time too early on. It was just overwhelming sometimes although a beautiful time too. I did let them cry it out eventually but I can't say it was necessarily the perfect cure like some people say but I think it helped them get better with routines.
You have such an honest and positive approach to caring for your twins. It's inspiring! It makes me want to be a parent because I know you are so doubly blessed for all you are doing for your kids. Oh yah, I have kids. But, it makes me want to love them more.
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